The Practice of Therapy

Gordon Brewer: Hello everyone and welcome again to the podcast and I'm really glad for you to get to know today.
Aaron Valenti. Hi Aaron. How are you?
Erin Valente: Very good. Are you? Good,
Gordon Brewer: good. So, Aaron is located in, in, in Los Angeles and does a lot of couple's work. And so as I start with everyone, Erin, tell folks a little more about yourself and how you've landed where you've landed.
Erin Valente: Yeah. I mean, I've landed into therapy because I, I've always been incredibly curious about the human experience.
I've always been fascinated about how two people can have the same experience and have two totally different interpretations. And so I've always just like dove deep into this subject and I feel really honored that I get to sit across from people and listen about their experience. And really, it's just more of like a fascination for me than anything.
Gordon Brewer: I do a lot of couples work as well, and it's yeah, I've just, like you, I've just always been fascinated by the interactions and, you know, look, exploring the different perspectives on, on things and, you know, and then just helping couples communicate about that for, at a different level in a different way.
Erin Valente: Yeah. Yeah. And I, I'm always interested where, like every couple who comes in, they're kind of the same as the last one, but yet totally different. Right, right.
Gordon Brewer: Right.
Erin Valente: Yeah.
Gordon Brewer: Yeah. So, wait, I, I knew one of the things that you had mentioned in just your information that you had sent was some of the mistakes that maybe couples make in coming to therapy or assumptions they make and mm-hmm.
That sort of thing you wanna say, say more about that.
Erin Valente: Yeah. I, I, I think the biggest mistake that I see couples making when they come into therapy is this idea that it's to fix the other partner, right? And so a lot of the time, my work is building a relationship with them so that I can kind of pop that bubble.
That it's not gonna be about me fixing the other person that it's gonna be a joint or, you know, like a, a, a team effort, right? Mm-hmm. I'm not gonna have all the answers. It's like we work together. To find a solution that like really fits for this particular couple.
Gordon Brewer: Right, right. Yeah. It's yeah. I know in some of, a lot of the times I'll mention to couples, you know, the burden of change is not on on just one person or the other.
It's the burden of change is in the relationship. Yeah. And so, yeah, and approaching it that way is, I think, really helpful. Yeah. So, yeah. So you go, go ahead.
Erin Valente: I was gonna say and how it's, you know, sometimes it's just you, it's one bit of change that will change the entire system, but I feel like it's also the entire system has to know about what the change is and why, and how it might affect mm-hmm.
The entire system. And there's always a little bit of resistance to that, but once they both can start making shifts, it starts to feel more comfortable.
Gordon Brewer: Right, right. Well, I, you know, one of the things, that we, you, you kind of alluded to before we started recording, and I'm interested to get your perspective on this.
I know there are a lot of therapists out there that just really shy away from working with couples mm-hmm. And are really, maybe even feel intimidated by that. I know both you, you and I are both l MFTs so it's you know, we kinda got that training in, in our, in our work, but. How would you say if someone is shying away from doing couples work, but maybe could see the benefit of that, what would you say it is?
Yeah.
Erin Valente: The benefit of doing couples work.
Gordon Brewer: Yeah, yeah,
Erin Valente: yeah. It's interesting 'cause I always, I, I say this to individuals and I also say it to couples therapists, right? Like, you can only do a certain amount of work in individual therapy. I feel like it's like the real work doesn't start until you're in couples, right?
Where that is where true vulnerability sits. It's where these like really kind of harsh mirrors can come up. And I think it says the same thing as a therapist, right? Like working with one person is a certain. You know, skillset, but then when you're working with two individuals that are dysregulated and both of their stories are coming up, it's, it's also really a practice for you in your own self-regulation, in your own counter transference.
Yeah, I feel like it's like advanced, you know? Therapy school couples work.
Gordon Brewer: Right, right. Yeah. And, and it does, you know, I think the other thing too is I is really being able to focus in on as I like to, as, as we refer to, is the process of what's going on rather than the content, because mm-hmm.
And I think that's where we get where a lot of therapists get bogged down is, is that they, they get caught up in the content about. They said this and or their partner said that, and that sort of thing, and it gets that, that, that back and forth over, over the content of the problem rather than, okay, let's change the dynamic of the way we communicate.
Erin Valente: Yeah, absolutely. And when you think about that, right, when they're really stuck in the content, you have to be comfortable in saying like, wait, wait, wait, hold on, let's slow down. Right? Like, you're having to probably interrupt a little bit more. You're having to make two people feel a little bit more uncomfortable than you would in, in, in an individual session.
And so I think that's a, that's a skill set on its own as a therapist that I feel like doesn't get stronger until you just jump in and do it.
Gordon Brewer: Right. Right. And I know another thing too, and you, you had mentioned this a little bit, is helping people, particularly in the context of couples work, helping people learn how to emotionally regulate themselves better.
You wanna say more about that as far as how you approach that?
Erin Valente: Yeah. When I talk to my couples, I always say the first thing that we're gonna do is self-regulation and, and co-regulation, because once we're dysregulated, any conversation we have, it, it, it just doesn't ever go well. And so with couples, it's always starting with like, how do you first, how do you know?
I, I I say use the words of zone of resiliency, right? Like, when are you out of your zone? When have you popped out? And also how do you know when you're like. Getting close to popping out because once we pop out, it's much harder to come back in versus going like, oh, I'm noticing I'm stressed out. I may not be in a place for a conversation.
Or like, and then how do you communicate that with your partner? Because if we're just focusing on, like you said, the problem or the content, we usually get dysregulated very quickly.
Gordon Brewer: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. So what, what are you finding most rewarding in your work right now?
Erin Valente: I mean, I just really love my work, to be honest.
I, you know, I get really connected with my clients and, and again, it, it really is just, you know, I'm a human, having a human experience here as well, and getting to sit across from other people who are talking about their experience. It's a, it's a really special. Occupation that we have. So really my work in general is just really fulfilling the people that I get to work with.
Gordon Brewer: Right, right. Yeah. And I know what you wanna say some, a little, some, some more about how you've got your practice structured and how you have done the whole private practice thing.
Erin Valente: Yeah. I feel like it's a, it is trial and error, right? Like you, you get your license and then you're like, okay, I'm gonna start a private practice and.
When it comes to sort of like marketing and building a business like that, I, I'm not, I'm not a business person, so I, that was something that I really had to learn. Mm-hmm. I recognized that doing. Therapy all day, every day would create a lot of burnout. So I started sort of di diversifying, so I also do ketamine assisted therapy.
Okay. Which I feel like is like another avenue. It's a different type of therapy. So I feel like when I can shift my brain around a little bit, it, it, it, it keeps me sharp, it keeps me engaged, it keeps me really passionate. Mm-hmm. So that is how I've structured, structured it. So I do workshops, I do group coaching, I do individual therapy, I do couples, and I do ketamine.
And that, I feel like that diversifies enough for me.
Gordon Brewer: Oh, right, right. Yeah. How long have you been doing the Ketamine assisted? Because that's a really hot topic here, here lately. I've had several people that are doing that now.
Erin Valente: Yeah. I've been doing it probably for about three or four years at this point.
Mm-hmm. And I really got into it because I, I, you know, I would identify myself as a trauma therapist and really, I, I think it's also, you're talking a lot about dysregulation and I would find people that would just be so dysregulated and they would do everything they most possibly could to regulate themselves.
And there was just something. That was overtaking them. And when I started to learn about the use of psychedelics and how it works with the regulation in the brain, I was like, oh, okay. That, that makes a lot of sense to me. Mm-hmm. And so with our license where I, like, ketamine is the only medicine that we can administer at this point.
So I started using that with, with, I use it with couples, I use it with individuals. And again, it, it, it's just a matter of like, which is your medicine. But a lot of people really benefit from it. Right.
Gordon Brewer: So how does it work with couples therapy? That's, that's fascinating.
Erin Valente: Yeah. So sometimes I will either do a very low dose and we will continue to process.
And again, it just means that the, the dysregulation isn't taking over the entire session. 'cause again, I always, I don't know about you, but 50 minutes to do a couple session with two people just never feels like enough. I feel like the majority of it is. Working on regulation and we really don't touch too much.
But with the ketamine sessions, I do do them longer. And they get to a place where they can really hear each other. We're not just working on calming down or defending or any of that. It kind of bypasses all of that. So it works really well for that. I also use it well, I, if, if one person is.
Working through something that is getting in the way of the couple's work. I have the other partner be a witness to that. Mm-hmm. So we use the ketamine to work through something in particular, kind of like at a faster pace than we would an individual therapy. Mm-hmm. The partner's holding space.
Gordon Brewer: Right.
Right. That's a, that's, that's a, you know, I love that idea of being able to, have the partner be a witness to it, because I think that that creates vulnerability and empathy and all of that kinda stuff with, with the couple.
Erin Valente: Yeah. And I think it also shows where we, we all have individual work and there's a difference between our partner being the witness to that versus.
It's our partner's responsibility to fix it or fill it or
Gordon Brewer: mm-hmm. Or make
Erin Valente: it better. 'Cause I think that's the other mistake that I see with couples when they come in is that, you know, one person might be feeling, they might have had trauma in their background and, you know, it comes up in the couple's dynamic and it becomes, I need my partner to help me make me feel safe, or I need my partner to make me not feel alone.
And it's like. Yes, to a certain extent, but especially mm-hmm. When it's coming from a trauma or a childhood wound, your partner's never gonna be able to feel that for you. Mm-hmm. And so when I have one partner be witness, they're also learning how to be a witness without jumping in and saving.
Gordon Brewer: Right.
Right. Yeah. Yeah. That makes, that makes a lot of sense to approach it that way. Mm-hmm. So, yeah. So the other parts of the other ways in which you've diversified kind of your practice, what are the other things besides ketamine that you are, are really enjoying right now?
Erin Valente: Right now, I, you know, I'm building out a group coaching program, which I'm really mm-hmm.
Excited about. And it is, it, it, it, it does a, have a lot to do with couples, right? Because again, as a, when you're going into couples therapy, it is this feeling of fix my partner. And so this group coaching is going to be about like, heal yourself, heal your relationship, so, mm-hmm. What happens when we really work on our sort of false beliefs around relationships or what we think our needs and our relationships and how it can create sort of painful patterning in relationships.
Mm-hmm. And so this is for people who are in a relationship or just coming out of a relationship that are really trying to break a pattern that they are stuck in.
Gordon Brewer: Yeah. Yeah. Say more about that as far as the patterns that you see particularly I guess where, you know, people are you know, maybe in transition with relationships and that kind of thing, because I know that's a pretty hot topic here lately.
Erin Valente: Yeah. When people, I, I, you know, usually I could ask someone, you know, well, what happened in your last. Three relationships. It's gonna sound like a different story, but it usually always has a common wound, right? They usually come out of a relationship feeling the same way, whether it's, I wasn't appreciated, I wasn't seen, they always leave me.
There's something wrong with me. There's always sort of this core wound, and I think the false belief is thinking that the relationship showed that to be true. And the truth is, is that belief really kind of came in before any of those relationships. Yeah. And so the work that I'm trying, I, I try to do with my couples and I always try to do with my individuals is this is a wound that like you are going to probably forever be healing.
Mm-hmm. And being able to recognize when you're being. Led by that wound and how you can regulate recenter and be led by, I I say self, higher, self, you know, knowing whatever word, right. Like that, that part of ourselves that we can really trust. Mm-hmm. So, yeah, that's a lot of the work that I'm doing.
Gordon Brewer: Yeah. Yeah. I love that. It is, you know, there's that whole somatic kind of approach of, you know, teaching those things and any yeah, so I, I know there's lots of other lots of different woundings, but what do you see show up a lot as far as people's various wounds within their relationships?
Erin Valente: I, I think the most common one I see is I'm not enough.
Gordon Brewer: Mm-hmm.
Erin Valente: And
it, I think it's really more, I am not enough. Mm-hmm. I was mm-hmm. I was thinking of other ones, but they all kind of land in the same place of I'm not enough. Yeah.
Gordon Brewer: Right, right, right.
Erin Valente: Yeah. Or I, I feel like the other one I'm seeing a lot is I am broken.
Gordon Brewer: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Which.
Erin Valente: Breaks my heart because Yeah.
We're not broken. Right, right,
Gordon Brewer: right. I
Erin Valente: think one of the, the, I always say that there's like these little gifts of being a therapist, right? There's these little knowings we get because we sit across from people all day, every day. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And is that we're all working on something and we're all working on something that we will probably be working on for the rest of our lives and, and mm-hmm.
And that's part of the human experience.
Gordon Brewer: Right. And I think being able to hear that in the therapy room of just, you know, you're not broken, you're not damaged goods, you know, that, that just brings up a whole lot of emotion for people. Yeah. And, and that's I think really when it, that's when change really begins to occur when they're able to kind of connect those dots.
Erin Valente: Yeah. Yeah.
Gordon Brewer: Yeah. So well Aaron, I know we've gotta be mindful of our time, but what are some of the thing, I know one of the things we chatted a little bit about was you've got a a private podcast that you do with. People that subscribe to your email list and that kind of thing. You wanna say more about that?
Erin Valente: Yeah, so it's a four part series and, and it's really skills based. So it's, it's really about the experience of happiness, right? How to experience happiness and what gets in the way of that. And one of the episodes does go into, trauma and how trauma affects that. And, and just really clear skills that you can do to understand your nervous system to help regulate your nervous system so that you can make more space for the experience of happiness or joy.
Yeah. So it's actually very uplifting one.
Gordon Brewer: Yeah. That's great. Yeah. That's great. Yeah. And it help, it, it's, it's helping you just kind of build, a following to where you can kind of funnel people into the groups that you're, the group coaching and that sort of thing. Is that, did I get that right? Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, yeah. That's exactly right.
Erin Valente: Yeah. Yeah. It's for people who are gonna be interested in doing this work. And so the, I feel like the podcast is really like this foundational information and I think it's foundational information that people who wanna do this work are gonna be really interested in. And it's very digestible and you walk out going, oh, okay, I understand myself a little bit better.
And I actually have some skills to make myself feel a little bit better.
Gordon Brewer: Right, right. Yeah, that's great. And I, yeah, I, I had you mention that just because I know there are a lot of people that are listeners to this podcast that are, are looking for ways to kind of diversify their income and other ways to do the work that they do, other than the, as I like to say, the one-to-one way of doing work.
To the one to many. Yeah,
Erin Valente: exactly. Yeah. I, I've got three, three kiddos at home as well, and so it's like mm-hmm. I would love to sit and do therapy all day, every day. But there is, you know, I always remind people that it's not hour to hour. Right. Like you, you carry your clients with you. Mm-hmm. There's only kind of so much space that you can hold for yourself, for others, and for your family and for your loved ones.
Mm-hmm. And I feel like the journey of a therapist is always like knowing where, where the limits are.
Gordon Brewer: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Sure. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's true. And setting those boundaries for yourself.
Erin Valente: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Gordon Brewer: Yeah. That's great. That's great. Well Erin, tell folks how they can connect with you and find out more about you and the work you're doing.
Erin Valente: Yeah, I think the easiest way to find me is on Instagram at Healing the Human Experience. You can find my website from there. You can book sessions with me. You can get on the. Podcast, podcast list for there. It's all there. It's where all the information lies.
Gordon Brewer: Okay. Well great. And we'll have links in the show notes in the show summary for, for people to access that easily.
Well, well Aaron, I hope this has been great and I hope to maybe have another conversation with you again here soon.
Erin Valente: Yeah, thank you so much for having me. You have a beautiful day.
Gordon Brewer: You too.